14 Virginia Tech Hokies
What the hell is a Hokie? Well, apparently, according to Virginia Tech’s own Web site, back in 1896, some weirdo student liked to yell the word “Hokie.” When asked what it meant, the student said that it meant nothing and that he had just made it up. Well, hell! How could the school not adopt that as its official name? Sheesh. Anyway, they still needed a mascot and so they came up with the following definition of a “Hokie”, again taken from Virginia Tech’s own Web site (this means they actually endorse this crap): “The bird is a “HokieBird” which has evolved from a turkey. Virginia Tech teams were once called the ‘gobblers’!” Yes, a “Hokie” is a meaningless gibberish word and the mascot itself is a mutant turkey. Enough said.13 New York Knickerbockers
I know some Knicks fans who will be pissed about this, but come on. Knicks is short for Knickerbockers, which can mean either one of two things. Either it is a term for Dutch settlers, essentially created by Washington Irving, who wrote a book called Knickerbocker’s History of New York, and wrote the book from the perspective of a dude named Diedrich Knickerbocker, or it is a term for short pants. Look, either way is kind of dumb, right? Either the team was named for a fictitious character named Diedrich or after a pair of short pants. Sure, it’s alliterative, but when you’re naming a team you really don’t want to conjure up the image of a dude named Diedrich in a pair of short pants. Call me crazy.12 Maryland Terrapins
A Terrapin is a turtle. A turtle! Of all the creatures in this strange world, why in the hell would you want to pick a turtle to represent you? I mean, at least ducks can fly. Hell, a squirrel can run fast. But a turtle? A slow, dumb looking beast that hides under a shell at the first sign of danger? Good choice, Maryland. Good choice.11 Campbell Fighting Camels
Look, I know the people of Campbell University thought they were being clever with the whole Campbell/Camel thing, but someone really should have stopped them. I mean, come on, a camel? Yes. The people of Campbell proudly and willingly chose as their mascot a humpbacked beast that spits at its enemies. Oh, but it is good at wandering the desert. All qualities you want in your sports teams to be sure, but –- and maybe it’s just me -– I think they could have done just a little better.10 Wake Forest Demon Deacons
The only reason this isn’t higher on the list is because Wake Forest had the good sense to add the “Demon” to the name “Demon Deacons”. That at least implies some sense of ferocity, because last time I checked, a simple Deacon doesn’t exactly send his enemies cowering in fear. And look, I get it, Wake Forest was founded as a Baptist university and the schools original team name was the “Fighting Baptists” so by comparison “Demon Deacons” seems damn near ferocious. But still, at its very best, “Demon Deacons” is just confusing. Is it a demon or is it a deacon? It’s kind of hard to be both. And at its worst, “Demon Deacons” conjures up the image of a pissed off old churchman, which isn’t really scary as much as it is funny and kind of sad.9 Southern Arkansas Muleriders
Muleriders? Really? What in the hell? So many questions. Who thought Muleriders was a good idea in the first place? Do they have an old mule as a mascot who hangs around the sidelines looking broken and depressed while a student whips him on? What sparked such a terrible idea in the first place? I suppose I could look it up, but… come on, there’s no way there is a reasonable explanation for this. Muleriders. Honestly.8 Washington Wizards
The Washington Wizards made this list because once upon a time they actually had kind of a cool name: the Washington Bullets. But then, the “Oh Lord, won’t somebody think of the children?” crowd got all bent out of shape and decided that since bullets were, well, bullets, that the name set a bad example for the kids. And thus was born the Washington Wizards, apparently chosen purely for its alliterative value. But let me ask you this, people of Washington: do you think that a wizard is somehow a better example of wholesome family values than a bullet? Wizards are capable of all sorts of heinous shit. You saw Lord of the Rings. Saruman was breeding Orcs and straight up possessing people. Is that the kind of example you want to set for the kids of Washington? See, suddenly a simple bullet doesn’t seem that bad. In fact, it seems downright wholesome.7 Providence Friars
At least the people of Wake Forest had the good sense to add the word “Demon” to their name. Providence, on the other hand, apparently feels like the Friar is an appropriately fearsome nickname. Which,well… uh, last time I checked, a friar was basically just a poor wandering priest. Then again, maybe that makes the Friar the perfect mascot for Providence, which spends its time wandering around the Big East in poverty and sadness. Sure, sure, there are exceptions, warriors like Friar Tuck, but even he was just some old fat drunk. If that’s the best you can do, you’re doing something wrong.6 Utah Jazz
The Utah Jazz make this list for no other reason than the name makes absolutely no sense. In fact, the name is so incongruous that it is kind of funny. Is there a more oxymoronic name than the Utah Jazz? If anyone in Utah actually tried to play jazz, they would probably be rounded up and drowned in the Salt Lake as heretics and witches. Yeah, I know the name is a relic from the team’s days in New Orleans, but if ever there was a team that should have changed its name after moving, it was this one. 5 Nebraska Cornhuskers
Look, you know you’ve got a bad team name when said name inspires images and thoughts of a hick basically jacking off an ear of corn. I know, I know, that will enrage our proud farming friends from Nebraska and I will probably wake up to find Tom Osborne doing a drive by of my house in a hay wagon tossing corn through my windows, but some things just need to be said, you know? 4 Washington Redskins
I am not one to get all bent out of shape about politically incorrect names. In fact, in general, I loathe that kind of thing. But Redskins? Come on, that is just a bridge too far. With Braves or Indians, you can at least make the argument that you are somehow honoring those people, but Redskins is just straight up strange in this day and age. I mean, could you get away with calling a team the Boston Blackies? Hell no. You’d have people marching all over your stadium in protest. Al Sharpton would circle you in a helicopter with a megaphone around the clock until you either changed the name or went crazy. And yet, people are just sort of used to the name Redskins, I guess just because it’s been around for so long now. Well that, and because racism against Indians is one of the few forms of racism that is still generally acceptable to a lot of people. I mean, yeah, Andrew Jackson would be a HUGE Redskins fans, but he died over 150 years ago so, uh, maybe it’s time for a change. Then again, team name changes are almost always stupid and terrible (the people of Washington are already far too familiar with that kind of nonsense thanks to the Wizards) and so I’m not sure what the Redskins should do. I guess, in the end, all they can do is accept that their team name is awful and eat the occasional plate of shit for it.3 UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs
Uh… what? It’s bad enough that the people of UC Santa Cruz named their teams after a giant ground slug that looks like a banana, what’s worse is that the name itself sounds like nonsensical gibberish. Yeah, the banana slug is an actual thing, but it just sounds like two random words thrown together, like they just got stoned one day and picked two random words out of a hat and decided to call it good. Maybe that is what they did. Hell, I don’t know. What I do know is that the name is ridiculous and there is no defensible explanation for it. None.2 Butte Pirates
If I need to explain this, you are in the wrong place and we have nothing to talk about.1 Webster Gorloks
From Webster University’s own website: “The Gorlok is Webster University’s school mascot. It is a mythical creature designed in part by Webster students and staff through a school contest. It is reported to have the paws of a speeding cheetah, the horns of a fierce buffalo and the face of a dependable Saint Bernard. The myth of the Gorlok ‘embodies the highest standards of speed, agility and stamina in an atmosphere of fairness and good conduct.’”Well, I, uh…wait, it gets worse. Here is the origin of the Gorlok, again from Webster University’s own Web site: “The name ‘Gorlok’ was derived from the combination of two streets that intersect in the heart of ‘Old Webster,’ Gore and Lockwood avenues.”
Yes, the people of Webster University named their teams after a combination of two street names and then made up a stupid mascot with the face of a St. Bernard to accompany it. Why would anyone think this was a good idea? I mean, the original mascot came complete with a completely nonsensical pump sprayer because… because… uh, look, your guess is as good as mine, and my guess is that they were high off their asses when they thought this thing up.
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